Damon needs surgery to repair a break to his ring finger. It isn't just a simple surgery either, they have to wire a bone to his other bones then stick a pin through his joints to keep everything straight. During the description, I fainted for the first time ever. My doctor told me it was a flare-up and to go the the ER and be admitted so I could be monitored while they give me I.V. solumedrol. I went to the ER, but they refused to admit me, and instead I get to go back yesterday and today for my second and third doses. At first I was really tired, now I'm all sleepless. I hate the results of predinose, but it is a necessary evil.
Benjamin got a yellow card in school and was really sad. I think he responds as much to this sickness as I do. It is hard to know what to tell him, and how to help him understand. It is also hard for us to find ways for him to deal with what he is feeling that don't result in trouble at school. I won't be able to help in his class today because I am too susceptible to everything, and schools are breeding grounds for disease. That is going to make his day worse. I wish I could think of a way to do this that would help him. I pray for him, and we have considered counseling, but I don't know what is best for my son.
As a result of my wonderful medical bills, and Damon's pending medical bills we don't get Christmas or birthdays this year. I am sad about that. We will get help providing gifts and happiness for Benjamin from my parents, his other grandparents, and the ward, but I will not have any gifts for either my birthday or Christmas, and I'm afraid that Damon is just as stuck. I am trying to focus on the real meaning of the season, but mostly I feel stressed and lonely. I don't know how to manage all the bills coming our way, and I don't know how to enjoy a Christmas that is full of illness, surgeries, and loss. Having the diagnosis of MS, the shots, the flare-ups and all else has been a huge challenge for me. Having to let go of my job, my educational goals, and all else to be home and sick has helped my family in some ways, but is mostly a struggle for me and a reminder of the MS and what I have lost. I know this situation is temporary, that the meds will help and I will soon go back to a semi-normal life, but right now, on the crazy drugs that make me sleepless, antsy, and emotional all in one, I just can't seem to stop crying. Tomorrow is my last large dose, then I get to taper down slowly. I see my neurologist soon, and I have midnight tickets to Breaking Dawn so not all is bad.
We also have a great ward that is bringing us dinners, came over to give Damon and I blessings, is interested in our well-being and needs, and lets me serve in Nursery. The nursery kids restore me, and bring me so much joy. I love their busy explorations, and their innocence. I am also making little bits of money through blog giveaways, taking surveys, and doing secret shopping. It isn't anything really worth commenting on, but it does give me a little bit of control, and it's fun. I can do it from my computer, and if I'm lucky, my family will have a better Christmas than planned.
Right now it isn't easy, but I have my faith, and my testimony. I have a great family that supports me, and good teachers and friends to help my son. I have a support system for my husband, unlike any we've had before, and I have my husband. It will be a difficult Christmas season, but I can find a way to focus on the joy of the season, and revel in family time, and to make gifts for my son and husband. We can bake, and enjoy the little things. We'll drive around and see the lights, and we'll enjoy family time. I hope Benjamin will understand. His faith in Santa would bankrupt us, but his heart is sweet and pure. This year he will be seven, and we have acquired a good bike for him to follow the family tradition. He is excited about that, and there will be parties and fun for his birthday. I shouldn't feel so sorry for myself. Damon has a job, we have a home, and we have been greatly blessed. Sometimes I just struggle to see all that. Thank you to everyone out there who has helped us and blessed our lives.
