LIfe Moves Forward

Sometimes I want life to just stop. Like when I'm tired, and Benjamin wants to play, or during those amazing moments when everything is perfect. We are so busy, it is difficult to truly find the joy in the moment, and the light at the edge of the storm. So much of life is defined by how we spend our time, and yet I feel like a butterfly that flits from flower to flower, without ever really stopping anywhere. 

We had a great trip to Disneyland in February. We stayed a whole week, and got rained on but didn't care. We met Disney characters and have a great signature book, and then we rode all the rides. Benjamin even rode Space Mountain, but complained that it was too dark.

In March we planted a garden. We have tomatoes, lilacs, roses, peas, carrot, squash, corn, and mint growing. We'll see how they survive the summers in Vegas. 

In April we had Easter. Benjamin loves the idea of the Easter Bunny and became very adept at sneaking candy. He will also tell anyone who wants to hear, that Jesus died and came back to life. 

Now it's May, how time flies. I am teaching almost 12 students now. Benjamin just had his final recital and played the flower song. Damon is completing GATE certification. This Friday, I have my student's recital, and then get to plan for summer.

Tomorrow is our last Joy School meeting until the fall. I still haven't decided what activities we want to do during the summer. My little sister is getting married in June, but other than that we have few plans. Damon will work at one of his schools year round, and we'll probably swim, a lot. This weekend was the Father and Sons camp out. Damon and Benjamin went to Warm Springs and spent the night. Benjamin did surprisingly well, although they both came back burned and exhausted. 

I stopped substitute teaching and am currently replacing work time with mommy time. I am sometimes at a loss as to what to do. I have the cleaning and such down to an art, and have too much play time left over. LOL, well at least some days. I have decided to slow down my master's program, until Benjamin enters school in a year. There just isn't enough time left to watch my little one grow and develop. He changes so fast, and is such an independent little boy. This morning he told Daddy and Mommy to go lay down and close their eyes. Then he shut our door, and went downstairs to play Lego Indiana Jones on the Wii. He wants to pour his own drinks, make his own food, and even thinks he can drive. Benjamin is fascinated by letters and wants to know what every word starts with. We find B's everywhere we go, and have to write his name over and over. Soon he'll be reading, and writing without me. 

We all want our children to grow, and we have a great life. I still can't help but feel a sort of emptiness in it all. We expected to have many children by now, and for my time to be filled with their needs and education. My brother and his wife were married two months after us and have their third child. It is hard to watch other families grow without having the same blessing. I hate feeling like we don't have enough, and that something is missing, but it is the truth, and I find myself wandering around our home wondering what to do. I have a passion for music, and will someday become a specialist in special needs children, but today, I have one child, a small, somewhat tidy home, and a longing for something more.